Loving you ended me

Poem by Refilwe J Mokgatlenyane

I bought you flowers, and you sent them back
Got you a necklace and said it doesn’t look good on your neck
I bought you an impeccable dinner dress and you told me you hate the color black
Tell me, how much more do I need to do for you to appreciate that my efforts are on the right track
I told you I love you the time I took you out on a date
I never heard you say it back, and you even left earlier saying you don’t wanna go home late
I looked you in the eyes throughout the time we talked, but your eyes were just focused on the food inside your plate
I told you I like books, I read a lot but at times I do basketball or go out to skate
You told me you love cooking, and basketball too, I even asked you to become my training mate

I always made-up time for you, but every time you told me you’re busy I had to understand
You told me you had a lot of assignments when I asked you to go for a picnic that Saturday but hours later, I bumped into you at the mall with your friend
You apologized and I looked away, but I never forgot that I saw that boy holding your hand

I cried for nights wondering what more of myself I have to offer
Exploring my mind for answers but all it gave me back were blank spaces
I loved you with everything I had, with a heart as pure as white daisies
But all you had to give me back was doubt to my mind, having to think that I wasn’t enough
I loved you still, even though every single thought I had every night made realize that the love I was giving was clearly not the one you gave back
I loved you still, but loving you trapped me and suffocated me to my demise
It killed me every night, but I woke up the next morning and still died again the same night
Loving you felt heavy and painful like I was fighting a big giant, but I still refused to give up the fight
Loving you led to my defeat, in the world of love I died, and I perished under your love
Loving you ended me.